byTheConcessionist

TheConcessionistgivesadviceaboutthesordidchoicesofreallife。

Trouble?

Write?

today。

DearConcessionist,

MygirlfriendismakingkindofjokingnoisesabouthowI’ve“givenup。

”Butit’snotthatI’vegivenup。

IguessthatIneverreallyevenstarted。

ForexampleI’veneverbeentoagym。

DidImaybegiveupevenharder?

Isthisbad?

Isshegoingtodumpme?

Isthishowwomenwarnyoubeforetheythrowyouout?

We’vebeentogetheroverayearnowandIlove?

her。

Sincerely,

YoBenand?

Jerry

YoBJ,

Haha,yeah,it’smid-Februarynow,sowhatyourgirlfriendissayingisthatyouareactuallysixtoeightweeksawayfromgettingdumped。

Assoonaswinterisover,andyourladyseessomehottie’sanklesonthestreets,it’scurtainsforyou。

Say?

goodbye。

WECANSAVETHISRELATIONSHIPTHOUGH。

Probably。

It’sjust,it’syourfault?

So。

Already,youaredoingyourpartaroundthehouse,andlike,beingthoughtful,anddoingsurprisingnicethings,andbeingsupportive,andaskingquestionsandlistening,andallthathappyrelationshipgarbage,right?

Thatstuffisallsuper-attractive。

Washadish,you’reon。

GOOUTINTHESNOWANDGETTHATMILK?

BUDDY。

Butthere’salsojust…attractive。

Disclaimer:BEAUTYCOMESINALLSHAPESANDSIZES。

It’safact。

You’regreatasyouare,andthatisit,period,theend。

Evenbetternews?

Menhaveitextraeasyinthisdepartment,becausemanywomenthatIknowhavetoldmetheywilltradeoffanyideasaboutaman’sbodyshapeforotherWAYmoredesirablequalities(suchas,“cool,hedoesn’tinterruptmeeverytimeItalk”and“hedoesn’topenlydegradeotherwomeninfrontof?

me!

”)。

Also?

Manyofuswhodatemen(asIdo)likean“untraditional”man!

There’ssomethingaboutareallybigdudethat’ssocozy。

You’reprobablyalil’chunkyrightnow,andit’sgoodforextrawarmthinwinter。

InApril?

however…

Whenyousaythatyou“neverstarted,”Iknowexactlywhatyoumean。

Iwaslikeyou!

SoherearetheTHREETHINGSEVERYMANCANDOtosuperficiallyimprovehisrelationshipwhichthenresultsinnon-superficiallyimprovinghisrelationship。

1。

YOUR?

HAIR

Gotothebarbershop。

Immediately!

It’sfinethatit’syourusualholeinthewallthatcosts$16。

That’swhereIgo,andIlookamazing。

Youknowhow?

WhileIwait,IleafthroughGQandDetails。

There’sareasonthosemagazinesaresittingthere。

LasttimeIwasthere,Ifoundanadwithaguyinitwithagreathaircut。

Helookedadult,matureandhandsome。

WhenitwasmyturnImarcheduptomybarberandsatdownandhewaslike“Okaywhatarewedoing?

”andinsteadofbeinglike“UmIdunnomumblemumble,”whichiswhatIalwayssay,IWHIPPEDOUTTHEMAGAZINEandwaslike“CANYOUDOTHISHAIRCUT?

”Andhewaslike“Ofcourse!

”Itwasreallyembarrassing。

AndIlivedthrough?

it。

AndthenwhenIwenttoworksomeonesaid“Wowthatisliterallyyourfirstage-appropriatehaircut,youlookgood。

”ANDsomeoneelsetoldme,“Wowyoulooktenyearsyounger。

”HowboththosethingsaretrueIdon’treallyknowbutI’LLTAKE?

IT。

2。

YOURHANDSAND?

FEET

Yeah,listen,yourgrossfeetandyourgnarlyhands,they’refinewhenyou’relikepickingsomeoneupandeveryonecanpretendyou’reamechanicorasatyr。

Butthat’snotforrelationships。

Ifyoudonotgetmanicuresandpedicures,youaretooshytogoaloneprobably。

Iamalsoshy!

Ineededsomeonetotake?

me。

Butyoucandoit。

JustgettheVERYBASICTHINGonyourfirsttrip。

Likewalkinandsay“Yes,manicureandpedicureplease”andthey’llhaveyousitinsomechair-thingandjustsitthereandwaitandthenthey’llbelike“BUTDOYOUWANTASPECIALMASSAGEPEDICURE”justbelike“Nothankyou,justtheregular”andthat’llhappenlikethreetimes,thenit’llbefine。

IfsomethinghurtsREALLYbadsay“ouch”andthey’llmakeitstophurting。

TheonlyotherthingyouneedtoknowismoveyourfeetandyourhandswhentheytellyoutoandTIPINCASH。

Tip$10ona$40mani-pedi。

Tip$20ifyourfeetaregrossthough,hello。

Thencomebackinonetotwoweeks。

Thenyou’llbebraveenoughtoaskquestionsandtrynew?

things。

3。

YOUROUTFITSANDYOUR?

JUNK

It’stimetoturnthemirroronyouforamomentrightnow。

It’stimetolookcloseatwhatyouare,insteadofwhatyouwanttobe。

Doyourclothesfit?

Doyousmellbad?

Areyouwearingthesamethingallthetime?

Areyoubustingoutofyourjeans?

Areyourboxerssadanddroopy?

Hasyourladyevertoldyouabouthowsheprefersyourbodyhair?

Andhaveyouignoredher?

Doyouhaveabeardormustacheorafrightshowofpubichairthatshehates?

(Shemaynot!

Don’tevermakeassumptionsifyoudon’t?

know。

)

Maybeliterallytakesomephotographsofyourselfandthenlookatthem。

Areyoulike,OHNOTHAT’SME?

Then,let’skeepthis?

simple:

A。

Shavewhatshouldbeshavedregularly。

B。

Washwhatshouldbewashedevery?

day。

C。

GototheUniqloortheTopManortheCarharttortheLevisstoreortheHortheJCPenney,Idon’tcare,andbuyafewcheapstaplesliket-shirtsorcasualpantsorsocksandunderwearthat1。

suityou2。

fityou3。

makeyoufeelgoodthat4。

arenotmadeofpolyester。

(Theyshouldbe,generally,madeofcotton。

)Dothemagazinetrickagain!

Ifyouseesomething,thensaysomething?

—?

toasalesperson。

WEWILLSTOPRIGHTHERE。

Thatiswaymorethanenough。

DON’TBEOVERWHELMED。

Pickonethinghereandgetstarted。

Wecandealwiththerest?

later。

Wait,though,onemorethingtinything。

Startcarryinggum。

It’slike,a1000%improvementwhenyou’resuddenlylike“Ohyourterriblebreathisfinallygone,wow,let’sjustmakeoutallthe?

time。



Okaynowthatismorethanenough。

YoudoNOTneedtospendverymuchmoneytogetyourselfright。

Justalittle。

BEYOU,too。

Keepbeingyou,buddy!

Justbeyouwithalittlebitoflike“HeyI’mgonnakeepmyselflookingalittletastyrightnow。

”Ibelievethisisinonesensewhattheymeanwhentheysay“treatyourself。



Look,maybeyouaregoingtogetdumped,maybenot。

Intheend,it’llworkoutfine。

Butwhynotbringthespiffiestyouthatthereistothewhole?

thing?

OnceIweighedabout30poundsmorethanIdonow,whichwasn’treallyabigdeal,butIwenthomewithsomeonewhohadALOTOFMIRRORSINTHEHOUSE。

AndIgotsomeviewsofmyselfIdidnotregularlyget!

AndIwaslike“Ohhmmsothat’swhatthatlookslike,WELL,nowthatyoumentionedit,thatwasnotwhoIplannedtobe”andthenIjoinedagymanditwashorribleandIhategyms。

Iexpresslywentforvanitythough。

Ididnotgoformyhealth。

Ididnotgoforlongevity。

IonlywentbecauseIwantedtolookthinnerwhenIwasdoingstrangerswhohadtoomanymirrors。

Thatisavalidifmaybeslightlygrossandshamefullifedecision。

Idon’tcarethough,it’smy?

life。

Justrememberthatmenarebasicallybadineverywayandthatanythingyoucandotobelessofa“man”isanimprovement。

Thereyougo,sport!

Bestof?

luck!

TheConcessionistisanadulthumaninNewYorkCitywhoissomewhatworndownandwillingtomakeagoodnumberofsacrificesforapeacefullife。

Isitdecisionfatigue?

Orjustennui?

That’sprobablyaquestionforapsychiatrist。

Anythingelse,ask?